heart on the computer...

Maybe I'm learning something in my research writing class. it was the class i was most nervous about and it has turned out to be one of my favorite classes...maybe because dempster is awesome. Anyways, he was explaining foucault's theory of the 'gaze' and about the realization of people looking back at you. he said that once you recognize people watching you, you start acting different and are aware of every action.
It got me thinking. I think that is where i live my life, in that state of being aware that i am being watched and potentially judged. i wondered why i tend to feel apologetic of who i am and why i always think about what i am saying and beat myself up for saying certain things. its a very vicious cycle...bondage basically. no wonder i want to be free.
And i realize that the more i look to other people to shape my opinions of myself, i will never be satisfied. if i keep looking out to others to validate me, i will never have a solid opinion and acceptance of myself. So maybe if i stop looking to others for my validation and just "accept that i am accepted" (brennan manning's wording is the best way to put it) then i can live in the freedom that i have always wanted. i can live in the freedom of being accepted and then i can be the person that God created to me. i wont get so caught up in the opinions of others. I can then just get caught up in Him. That is what i really want...to be caught up in Him.
That is another thing...acceptance. we all strive for it. we all need it. we all search for it. but we already have it. we are accepted. Sure we aren't all accepted by the world, but those who are...do you really feel fulfilled? do you still feel empty. Maybe the striving for validation and acceptance of the world is meant to leave us empty. Maybe thats why we keep buying and buying and buying. and thats why we keep comparing and comparing. and that is why we still feel empty. Maybe God made it all that way for a reason. I mean if the world completely fulfilled us, why would we turn to Him? Yes yes, this may sound cliche from sermons past. But it makes sense though. we are already accepted. JUST AS WE ARE. we are accepted. so why do we keep striving?
"Stop and let me love you." I am always doing something. a ministry. praying. reading the right books. Saying the polite things. bettering (is that a word?) myself. i am always doing something. but how often do i just stop? How often do i just let Him love me? And by stop and let Him love me, i don't mean doing more to earn it. I just mean what i say...STOP. breath. accept.
That's all i got.