Hello Again

It has been a while! So Hello!

Last night was pass the torch. I thought it would be just a silly ceremony but it meant so much to me. Im so glad that we got to hear from this year's team about their advice and their experiences. Everything each person said was something i needed to hear. I am so excited to start this crazy amazing adventure...But I'm also so scared and doubtful. Can i do this? Can we do this? Did they make a mistake in picking me? Who am i that i get to meet all these people this summer? Are they going to like me? Am i cut out for this? Can we bond as team like we should? Do i even have enough love in me to love these kids?  It is a beautiful mix of emotions.

Honestly, we have huge shoes to fill. That scares me but i know that God has control and picked us for this team. I want to give all of me to my teammates and the kids ill meet this summer. 

Let the adventure begin

WHAT?!!

Wow! So early this morning I was kidnapped, in a good way! I am so extremely blessed! I am on the Entourage team 2009-2010! I cant believe it! God is so amazing! After improv night i couldnt picture what the perfect team would look like, then when our blindfolds were removed i knew it was a perfect fit! im so so so excited!  i cant wait for the summer!!!!

Well hello there...

It has been a while. I don't know why I haven't written in a while, but it is time to start again. It is the middle of the third week of school and i can't believe how quick the weeks are going. Life is going by too fast. And after this semester, i have TWO semesters left. Then a degree! That thought scares the crap out of me. Literally, i just pooped my pants. Okay, no i didn't. But I am so scared to grow up. I am scared of taking care of myself without help from my parents. I am scared of leaving vanguard. I have friends all around and i take it for granted. When school is over, i wont have the comfort of walking a few feet to see a friend. I am scared of making my own decisions and possibly making the wrong ones. I don't want to grow up! Could some body please press the slow down button? or does life just go faster from here? i dont want to waste time but i feel like i do a lot! 

Besides those fears lingering in the back of my mind, i have felt a lot of peace lately. it has been nice.

wow

friday was a horrible day. i wrote that depressing blog because i felt so hopeless and frustrated. today is monday and i am completely blown away by God's goodness. He is teaching me so much right now i dont know what to do with it. all i can say looking back on these past few days is wow.

:(

I hate that i make her feel like a burden. I hate that i complain when she asks me to do things. I hate that I still want him. I hate that my dog is dying. I hate that I don't treat God with the respect that I should. I hate that I am so hard on myself. I hate that I am starting off this year with all these complaints.
My dog mandy might have cancer and we will probably have to put her to sleep. I didnt think it would affect me this much. I am so sad.

new song

I found a new song today. i love the lyrics to this song. its called "instead of a show" by jon foreman

I hate all your show and pretense
The hypocrisy of your praise
The hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show
Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stomp on my ears when you're singing 'em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you're praying
You sing right along with the band
You shine up your shoes for services
There's blood on your hands
You turned your back on the homeless
And the ones that don't fit in your plan
Quit playing religion games
There's blood on your hands

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

Let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You'll be one of the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around
Give love to the ones who can't love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can't stand at all, all
I hate all your show
I hate all your show
I hate all your show
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

I like this song because i feel like he is singing it to me. i dont feel guilt from this song, but i feel conviction. i can't keep living in ignorance. i am great at believing in Jesus, but following him is so hard. But He said it would be worth it. So it is time for action

Weird.

i have been home for over a week, it has been pretty good. the transition from school to home (or home to school) is always hard for me. my mom had surgery on her foot, so i have to take care of her. to be honest i dont like it. i am so used to my dad being sick, and my mom taking care of him while im off on my own. but with my dad at work, i am mostly the main caretaker, its weird. today i got so frustrated with my mom and she could tell. it just bugs me that when she asks me to do something she asks me in a way like she already thinks i dont want to do it. i know i probably give her signals that i dont want to help her, but i wish she would just ask me to do something without getting pouty. now i just sound insensitive.

i have been hanging out with old friends lately and catching up. it makes me laugh that over thanksgiving break and the begining of christmas break i felt so hurt that no one was making an effort to hang out with me and i felt like i had no friends here. Now it seems like all at once all my friends from home want to hang out. One of my friends just broke up with a boyfriend and is a mess. I try to comfort her but im not sure if i am good at it. she is so angry, im afraid that she has lost all hope. i hope that she can find comfort, and that she wont become bitter.