new song

I found a new song today. i love the lyrics to this song. its called "instead of a show" by jon foreman

I hate all your show and pretense
The hypocrisy of your praise
The hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show
Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stomp on my ears when you're singing 'em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show

Your eyes are closed when you're praying
You sing right along with the band
You shine up your shoes for services
There's blood on your hands
You turned your back on the homeless
And the ones that don't fit in your plan
Quit playing religion games
There's blood on your hands

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

Let's argue this out
If your sins are blood red
Let's argue this out
You'll be one of the clouds
Let's argue this out
Quit fooling around
Give love to the ones who can't love at all
Give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
Stand up for the ones who can't stand at all, all
I hate all your show
I hate all your show
I hate all your show
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood of justice
An endless procession of righteous living, living
Instead let there be a flood of justice
Instead of a show
I hate all your show

I like this song because i feel like he is singing it to me. i dont feel guilt from this song, but i feel conviction. i can't keep living in ignorance. i am great at believing in Jesus, but following him is so hard. But He said it would be worth it. So it is time for action

Weird.

i have been home for over a week, it has been pretty good. the transition from school to home (or home to school) is always hard for me. my mom had surgery on her foot, so i have to take care of her. to be honest i dont like it. i am so used to my dad being sick, and my mom taking care of him while im off on my own. but with my dad at work, i am mostly the main caretaker, its weird. today i got so frustrated with my mom and she could tell. it just bugs me that when she asks me to do something she asks me in a way like she already thinks i dont want to do it. i know i probably give her signals that i dont want to help her, but i wish she would just ask me to do something without getting pouty. now i just sound insensitive.

i have been hanging out with old friends lately and catching up. it makes me laugh that over thanksgiving break and the begining of christmas break i felt so hurt that no one was making an effort to hang out with me and i felt like i had no friends here. Now it seems like all at once all my friends from home want to hang out. One of my friends just broke up with a boyfriend and is a mess. I try to comfort her but im not sure if i am good at it. she is so angry, im afraid that she has lost all hope. i hope that she can find comfort, and that she wont become bitter.

family time

this is our christmas photo, it makes me laugh :)

quitter

yup that's right I'm a quitter. I didn't even work one shift at Tillys, and i just told them that i couldnt do it. I feel bad. But honestly i would have worked everyday over break except christmas and the day i move back to school. my mom just had surgery on her foot and i have to take care of her, how can i take care of her if i am working everyday? so i feel like an idiot for overcommiting myself, but i guess i can learn from this. i am still working at pier 1, which is cool, but it just doesnt feel like it did in the summer. maybe it was just new and exciting in the summer, im not sure. or maybe the customers were nicer in the summer.
agh i feel like crawling into a hole and never coming out. :(

it's been a while...

finals are over. i am home for break. and i am going to be working two jobs. I had orientation today for Tillys and i thought to myself..."what have i got myself into?" i am pretty sure that between Pier 1 and Tillys, i will work everyday during break. Am i crazy?

I was thinking the other day about my relationship with God. I cheat on him a lot. sounds weird but hear me out. I think i have fallen in love with the world over and over. I cheat on Him with i put myself first. i cheat on Him when i decide that it is easier to trust myself than Him. He always takes me back. But goodness, why do i do this to God? He DIED for me and i feel like i basically say sometimes that it just wasnt good enough. what am i doing? I feel like i am stuggling with the thought that Jesus was right and that when i look at myself, i don't resemble Him.